Pictures On The Walls
by Tachyon II
Summary: Tom and B'Elanna pay a visit to Chakotay who has been in isolation after Kathryn Janeway's death. Is based on the events of the book "Before Dishonor".


"I cannot believe this", B'Elanna sighed. "It's hot and humid, I'm thirsty and sweaty, and we are stuck in the middle of this damn jungle."

"I know, I know", Tom said. "Let's just find that damn tricorder."

"Why couldn't he just send us the co-ordinates, where to transport?" B'Elanna asked and shook her head.

"I guess he doesn't want just anyone popping in without a warning", Tom suggested. "Here", he said then and picked a little object from the ground.

"Finally."

Tom switched the tricorder on and found a map Chakotay had left for them.

"It's not far away", Tom said then. "It's less than one kilometer from this spot. Luckily it's more or less downhill."

"Well let's get moving then", B'Elanna sighed. "I have almost had enough of these bugs buzzing around me."

"I thought you liked warm weather", Tom said with a smile. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and here we are – in the embrace of Mother Nature."

"Well Mother Nature and I don't get along today", B'Elanna told. "Not in this heat."

Tom smiled and nodded. "Follow me", he said then. "It shouldn't take us long to get there."

B'Elanna nodded. They walked in the dense forest for another ten minutes in silence, just watching their steps and listening the voices of the jungle. It was beautiful and the serenity of the forest was soothing. There were exquisite scents coming from the plants around them, but the humidity of the air and the heat of the day made it too difficult for them to enjoy this wondrous place on Earth. Finally they spotted a shelter in the middle of the green jungle, approximately 50 meters away.

"There", Tom said.

"He actually lives in that thing?" B'Elanna asked in disbelief.

"I guess so", Tom said as he switched off his tricorder. "Come on."

They walked to the shelter and knocked the door.

"Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked. "Chakotay? It's us – Tom and B'Elanna."

No answer.

Tom pushed the door. It was open.

"Let's get in", B'Elanna suggested. "He knows that we are coming."

"No argument here", Tom stated.

They stepped in and closed the door behind them. It was cooler inside, which was a relief for them both.

"Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked again. "Are you in here?"

No answer.

"I guess not", Tom said and wiped sweat on his forehead.

B'Elanna looked around. The shelter, as small as it was, was surprisingly cozy. It had light walls, much like Starfleet's shelters had, and there were all the pieces of furniture one could need – table, chairs, bed, couple of shelves, and a closet. Three small windows let the daylight in.

Suddenly something caught B'Elanna's eye. There were dozens of pictures on the two walls of the shelter, as well as on the shelves. There were pictures of Kathryn Janeway.

B'Elanna didn't know what to think, but she felt like she was seeing something she shouldn't have. That by seeing all these pictures of their former captain was an intrusion of Chakotay's privacy. But there they were and it was impossible to miss them. B'Elanna took one of the framed pictures in her hands and stared it for a moment. Her memory of Kathryn Janeway was something quite different what she was seeing in her hands. She remembered her as upright Starfleet officer, the finest of the finest, but all of the pictures in this shelter of Chakotay's revealed a side of her she had not known before; a woman outside of her uniform. Not an admiral, not her former captain, not the legend, but a woman.

"What is this?" Tom asked, even though he had a pretty good idea of the meaning of the pictures.

"It's Janeway", B'Elanna whispered as she still stared the picture in her hands.

There they were, Janeway and Chakotay, holding each other and smiling. It didn't take a genius to realize that the two people in the picture were more than old colleagues or friends. They were lovers.

"Oh wow…", Tom whispered as he studied the framed pictures on the wall.

"I had no idea…", B'Elanna said.

"Me neither", Tom said. "But this might explain why he has come here, in the middle of nowhere."

"Yeah…"

For Tom it almost felt like they had been stepped back in time, two months exact, and the woman they had all loved and admired was once again among them. In some of the pictures Janeway was alone. Tom especially liked the one taken on a desert during the sunrise. Janeway's hair was shining red against the pale sandy landscape. It was quite artistic picture, he thought. Chakotay must have been a better photographer than he had given him credit for. Perhaps that was because he had been busy commanding them and it had been The Doctor who had harassed them with his infamous photographic essays. But if these pictures were really taken by Chakotay, he really had an eye for photography.

Tom studied each picture with care. One that caught Tom's eye was taken on a boat on some lake, most likely on Earth. His former captain leaned comfortably in Chakotay arms and they both had such carefree expressions on their faces. They were happy together – genuinely happy. And once he got used to seeing them together, it quickly stopped being something peculiar or strange. In fact, seeing them as a couple started to feel something very natural, something that was not surprising at all.

Suddenly they heard the door opening behind them. They turned around and saw their former first officer stepping in.

"Hi", B'Elanna said, the picture still in her hands.

"You made it", Chakotay said briefly.

"Yeah", Tom managed to say.

They both looked Chakotay without knowing what to say. In two months he had gotten visibly a lot older. His hair was greyer and he had grown a beard. But he was still Chakotay, the man they both knew very well. Two months ago all three of them had stood beside the Kathryn Janeway's gravestone, giving their final respects to their captain who had made an enormous sacrifice for millions of free people of Federation by giving herself to the Borg.

"How have you been?" B'Elanna asked then.

"Alright", Chakotay answered briefly. "And how are you? How is Miral?"

"She is good", B'Elanna told. "Growing fast."

"I can imagine", Chakotay said.

Then he put three mugs on the table and replicated some ice cold orange juice for all of them.

Tom and B'Elanna took their seats and Chakotay sat opposite them. Then he saw the picture B'Elanna was still holding in her hands.

"Oh…", B'Elanna said once she realized what Chakotay was looking at. "This was on the shelf…"

"Yes it was", Chakotay said briefly and took a sip from his mug. "It's one of my favorites from all of these. That's why it's closest on my bed. I want it to be the first thing I see when I wake up."

"We didn't know that you were… you know", Tom said.

"No one did", Chakotay told then. "We kept it to ourselves."

"For how long?" B'Elanna asked.

"A month or so", Chakotay told.

B'Elanna sighed.

"Wow", Tom said quietly.

"You look happy", B'Elanna said then as she took another look at the picture. "She looks happy", she added.

"We were", Chakotay told briefly. "Those days were the ones to remember."

Tom and B'Elanna exchanged quick looks. Chakotay's honesty was a little puzzling for them. He had always been a man who kept his thoughts and emotions to himself, yet now he confessed his feelings openly without any hesitation. But on the other hand, why would he deny it now? The whole shelter he had been living in for two months was like a shire dedicated for a woman they all missed. Losing Janeway had been a great loss for them all. B'Elanna herself had spent few nights awake because of her. She had missed her, she still did, and getting over her death was a difficult thing to do.

"I'm sorry Chakotay", B'Elanna said then. "She was a remarkable woman."

"She was… my everything", Chakotay told. "She was my world", he said then more quietly and there was an apparent sorrow in his dark eyes.

"I don't know what to say…", B'Elanna finally said.

"You don't have to say anything", Chakotay told and smiled faintly. "She's gone and there is nothing bringing her back. And no matter how much I want her to come back home to me, she isn't."

"So you came here", Tom said then.

"Yes."

"Have you heard any news from out there?"

"No", Chakotay told. "There is only little that interests me nowadays."

"Well, our complaint about Voyager was approved. They are building another one and our ship is going to the museum."

"Good", Chakotay said. "It's good to hear that."

"Relief", Tom added.

"It was a home for 150 people for years", Chakotay added. "It was our home. And it was… It was Kathryn's ship."

"Yeah…", B'Elanna said.

"There are rumors about the new captain of the new Voyager, though", Tom said then. "They say you are going to take the captaincy."

"I am not", Chakotay told briefly. "I have no desire to rejoin the Starfleet. Not now, not anymore."

"Well, are you ever going to get out of this jungle?" B'Elanna asked then.

"Maybe", Chakotay told. "But not yet. I came here to be alone to be by myself with all I had left from Kathryn. I am not leaving anytime soon."

"So here you are – you and all these pictures of her", Tom said.

"Yes", Chakotay said quietly and turned his face to the wall. "There are days when I don't want to see these pictures and I put them away. I take them down one by one as I say goodbye to her. But later I always put them back again, because I need to see her face."

"And how about now?" B'Elanna asked then.

"There are pictures on the walls", Chakotay said and smiled. "She's there, isn't she?"

"She's unforgettable", Tom said. "In every single way."

"If she hadn't died, we would be married by now", Chakotay said then. "We would have been married over three weeks now."

"Really?" Tom asked.

"Yes", Chakotay said quietly. "But it didn't happen", he sighed then and turned his eyes on the table again.

"How are you holding up?" B'Elanna asked then.

"Good I guess, all things considering", Chakotay told. "Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I am angry to the whole universe. And sometimes I just walk out there in the jungle, seeking the peace, but ending up wondering where a part of me is, because I know that what I have is incomplete. I thought losing my family was the most difficult thing I ever had to face, but this is the same. This is… the same."

"She must have loved you very much", B'Elanna said then as she looked the picture in her hands again. "And I bet that you were the last thing she thought before the end."

"Maybe", Chakotay said. "As she is mine every night before I fall asleep."

Tom and B'Elanna didn't know what to say.

"So you can imagine that I am not willing to take captaincy or to return to Starfleet. There is nothing out there that would give me the reason to go back. I'd rather be here - with her."

"Well, you gotta do what feels right", Tom said then.

"I waited her over eight years", Chakotay said then. "She was always there, but not quite. But I always waited, even when I thought I wasn't. And then, after all that time she was suddenly mine, but all I got was a month with her. A month. But it was worth the wait. She was worth the wait. There was just something about her that I couldn't let go and I still can't."

The tone of his voice told the truth. Tom and B'Elanna realized that his wounds were still very much open; that his love still hurt. B'Elanna had not seen him like this since their Maquis days.

"So what will happen when you let go?" B'Elanna asked then.

"Maybe I go back to Dorvan to be closer to my sister", Chakotay said. "Maybe."

"Does she know about this?" B'Elanna asked. "I mean about you and Janeway?"

"She does", Chakotay said. "I contacted her after Kathryn's memorial service and I told her."

"I bet she's missing you", B'Elanna said.

"I miss her too. But I still need to be here. I will go when I am ready to put these pictures away. But I am not ready yet."

Tears emerged on B'Elanna's eyes and they burned. If there was anyone who deserved all the happiness in the world, it was the man who sat with them now. But he had lost it all and B'Elanna wondered if there was anything left in this universe that would made him get back on his feet again.

"I need time to both understand and to accept that she is not coming back", Chakotay told truthfully. "That she is not beside me when I wake up."

"These things take time", Tom said.

"I still talk to her sometimes", Chakotay confessed with a faint smile. "She's still in my mind and in my heart and I don't want to let her go. As strange as it might sound, but the thought of letting her go feels almost like I would betray her. And I won't do that. I will be by her side till the very end. It was always what I was meant to do; to be by her side till the very end - no matter what end."

B'Elanna wiped her tears away. "She didn't let you do that", she whispered then.

"No she didn't", Chakotay said. "So these pictures are still on the wall and they are not coming down. I won't let her disappear from my life any more than she already has."

"Did her family know about you?" Tom asked then.

"No", he told.

"Maybe you should tell them", Tom suggested. "Maybe you should visit her mother and sister and tell all about you and her. I bet they would appreciate that. I bet they would want to know that the last month of her life was a happy one."

"Tom's right", B'Elanna said then. "You should show each of these pictures to them so they would see how happy she was."

"Maybe I will", Chakotay said.

"She was amazing woman", Tom said then. "We all owe her so much."

"But we also want to see you eventually continuing your life Chakotay", B'Elanna said.

"I will", he said. "Someday I will, but not today."

Tom took her mug and raised it. "Here is to Kathryn Janeway", Tom said. "Captain; be in peace wherever you are."

"Hear, hear", B'Elanna said and raised her mug as well.

"Until we meet again", Chakotay said.

"Until we meet again", B'Elanna whispered.


End file.
